3 Ridiculous Arguments I Continue to Have with My Preschooler

By Polly Conner
August 23, 2017

I absolutely love the things that come out of preschoolers’ mouths. There are too many one liners to keep track of. The stream of thought dialogue is innocent, precious, and sometimes, down right hilarious. Recently, some friends and I were chatting about the hilarious things that kids say. Here are some gems that came to the surface…

  • Towards an adult man, “Are you pregnant? Then why do you have such a big belly?”
  • I’m 6 months pregnant. I asked my husband to help me off the floor. He helped me and I asked Miles if he was going to help his wife some day, and he said, “No. I’m going to have a lighter wife.”
  • Also at the grocery store in her loudest voice possible to mom, “Don’t make me angry, sweetheart!”
  • “Mom, dad gave me a kiss on the lips. That means we’re married.”
  • Pointing to a macaroni penguin, “It’s a pepperoni penguin!”
  • “What are these little balls called?” “Those are your testicles.” “Oh, I like testicles!”
  • “Mommy, when I get older like you, will my boobies be long too?”

I. Can’t. Even.

It’s just too good.

So while I love the say-what-you-see brutal honesty and innocent questions that flow from these little people, there are often times that I would rather bang my head against a wall than try to explain a simple concept that is unacceptable to their young mind. Despite my extensive experience in arguing with a 3-4 year old, I still haven’t figured out how to resolve the following conflicts:

1. Producing the Nonexistent Snack

This one goes something like this:

Preschooler from the back of the car: Mom, can I have some goldfish?

Me: Sorry, bud. I have some crackers or a granola bar but no goldfish in my purse.

Preschooler: But I want some goldfish…

Me: Well, the goldfish are at home. All I have are some of these crackers you like or a chocolate chip granola bar (attempting to make these sound more desirable)

Preschooler: (escalating) Mom, I WANT GOLDFISH!!!

At this point I predictably attempt to reason with him.

Me: Tyler, do you see goldfish in the car?

Preschooler: No.

Me: That’s because I don’t have any. I’m sorry but your choices are either crackers or a granola bar. Which would you want?

Preschooler: BUT I WANT GOLDFISH!!

(Refraining from slumping over the steering wheel in defeat)

Me: I understand you want Goldfish, but I can’t just make them appear. I don’t have any. I cannot just make goldfish out of nothing.

(For some reason, continuing my attempt to reason).

Preschool: (In a full blown fit) I WANT GOLDFISH.


My guess is that you’ve had a similar conversation with your little pumpkin. Often times the matter at hand is a particular show, book, toy, drink, shirt, game, or even memory that simply cannot be produced in the moment. Their small little minds simply can’t comprehend that you cannot bring forth exactly what they want in that moment. Bless their hearts. (And yours too if you’ve had a conversation similar to this).

2. Directional Dictator

This issue has come up with both of my children around the age of 3.5. It goes something like this:

Me: (Driving along our normal route to get home. Approaching the left turn onto the highway that is necessary to get to our residence.)

Preschooler: I don’t want to go that way.

Me: Well bud, this is the way home. We have to.

Preschooler: But I don’t want to go that way!!!! I want to go the other way!!!

Me: (Once again, attempting logical reasoning skills with a passionate three year old.) If I went that way instead, we would never get home. We have to go left. It’s the only option.

(Turns left)

Preschooler: Nooooooo!!!!! I didn’t want to go this waaaaayyy!!!


The thing with this particular argument is that the preschooler takes issue with that particular turn every single time. Which proves to be a problem when that turn is required every single time. This argument has proven to go on for months at a time until they simply grow out of it and move on to wanting the nonexistent snack. There is no hope.

3. The Unnecessary Bandaid

You probably know where this one is going…

Preschooler: (Bumps into the corner of a coffee table. No injury is present.) Aaaaaahhhhhh. (Coming up for air) I need a bandaid!!!

Me: (Examining the “injury” but cannot seem to pinpoint the location). Sorry that you hurt yourself, bud. It’ll be ok though.

Preschooler: But I need a bandaid!! It huuurts!!

Me: I’m sorry it hurts but a bandaid won’t help that. Bandaids are used for when something is bleeding or a bad scratch.

Preschooler: I AM bleeding! Look!! (Pointing to a freckle).

Me: Tyler, that is a freckle, not blood. You don’t need a bandaid.

Preschooler: (Throws himself to the ground probably hurting himself more than the original injury.) I need a bandaid!!!!!


Truth is, I gave up on this argument A LONG time ago. I buy the cheapest bandaids in bulk and keep them in a place that can be reached by all children at all times. Lets just say, we help keep bandaids in business. Not worth the battle in my opinion. Bandaids for all!

I’m guessing you probably have modified versions of these arguments as well. (I’d love to hear about them so I feel a bit more normal.) I’m just glad that these irreconcilable differences between adults and preschoolers can be overlooked by all the other cute stuff that comes out of their mouth.

Stuff like, “Wait, wait, wait! You’re saying my balls are people???” When explaining that they shouldn’t kick each other in the testicles, because they’ll need them one day to have children.

Yes my friends, these conversations are pure gold. Even if they do make you want to lock yourself in a bathroom so you don’t have to explain why fruit snacks aren’t healthy.

I digress.

But, if you want a good laugh, you MUST check out this Facebook thread full of one liners that other moms chimed in about as I was gathering intel for this post. You simply must.

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